


shades of blue {joshler}

by twenty_one_regrets



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abusive Parents, Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Child Abuse, Depression, I AM SORRY, M/M, Rape, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2019-08-22 22:32:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16606658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twenty_one_regrets/pseuds/twenty_one_regrets
Summary: "We're just a bunch of grey birds..." Tyler sighed. "We're just a bunch of grey birds standing among all the other bright ones."Josh didn't know what to say, he just listened."I-I feel like...like I'm watching all these waves roll by and all I'm doing is sinking. Sinking, sinking and just sinking." Tyler looked back at the sky above."I'm sorry Ty..." Josh managed to say."Welcome to the sad boys club."





	1. ||Bright Blue Hair||

**Author's Note:**

> if you'd like to know, i listened to "Honey There's No Time" by Feng Suave while writing this. listen to it if you'd like, i personally like it a lot.
> 
> i apologize in advance for this stupid work of fanfiction

Josh was walking with Jenna to school, like always. He had his grey hoodie on, like always. Jenna had a navy blue dress, Josh always wondered why she liked to match with his hair colors. When his hair was pink she would use only pink. When his hair was green she would use only green. Now that his hair is blue she's been using blue.

"Why do you like to match with my hair colors?" Josh asked as he looked at her tilting his head.

Jenna shrugged. "It's fun."

Josh simply shrugged back. "So if I dye my hair neon yellow, will you dress neon yellow?"

"Of course I will." Jenna smiled. "That's the whole point."

"What if I go back to my natural brown?"

"Then I'll go back to wearing whatever color I want."

Josh chuckled. "You're unbelievable."

"I know," Jenna said with a cocky smile.

Josh didn't like school. Not because he was lazy or didn't want to learn. But because of the people inside it. Too many people, too many different personalities, too many sounds, too many sights. It made him feel overwhelmed.

He sighed as they both stepped inside the building, having to part their way towards their lockers. Josh and Jenna had many classes together and that made Josh feel relieved.

Jenna was the type of person who could cheer you up just by sitting next to you. Josh knew most people could never imagine her upset. He, however, had seen her at her best and at her worst. They were best friends after all.

As he opened his locker he looked at his left. There, as always, was a boy sat alone. His head laying on top of his forearm, which was rested on the table. He was always writing in a notebook. Josh stared at him, the boy's messy hair, and his clothes a little baggy. He tilts his head at the boy. Jenna was good friends with him. His only friend, besides another boy named Mark-or so he had heard. The boy didn't talk to people he didn't like. Some people would approach him, but all he'd do was look up at them.

Jenna would always talk about the boy to Josh. Tyler was his name. As Jenna would describe him:

"His mind is too complex" She would say "He doesn't like it to be untangled...  
Sometimes he'll let you do so. But he'll probably break down." She would sigh then. "He doesn't like trusting people. When we hang out it's him telling me his ideas. He has great ideas. He loves the stars. Josh, he's just a guy who was mistreated as a child. And now he's just reserved and scared of everyone. He doesn't like home... Geez, I wish I could help him more."

Josh would just nod. He wouldn't know how to react. Yet, the boy in the blue hoodie would always spark a sort of interest in him. He quickly turned his gaze to the insides of his locker as Tyler turned his gaze to him.

Josh took out his notebook and was about to leave for class, before he saw Jenna sitting next to Tyler, cautiously so, as if he were a kitten who could run off if frightened. Jenna waved a little and Josh waved back before her attention went back to the boy in the hoodie. But the boy's attention didn't shift from him.

Feeling a little awkward from the boy's gaze he just turned around to leave to his classroom, where he would have his first class.

Meanwhile, Jenna decided to talk to Tyler for a bit, before their classes even started. Jenna brought him flowers, like every other day, to cheer Tyler up. The flowers always seemed to work, and his reaction was always the same.

"Thank you, Jen." The boy said before taking the flowers and smelling them with a smile. "I see you've brought some orange ones this time."

Jenna smiles. "Mhm! I thought they were nice."

"They really are, thank you, again."

"Anytime..." Jenna looked at him. "So, how have you been feeling lately?"

"What are you? A therapist?"

Jenna rolled her eyes. "You know I'm not, but you also know I want you to talk it out." Her eyes glanced at his notebook. "What have you been writing about?"

Tyler sighed, pulling one of the flower's petals and watching it fall onto the ground. "You can read it. It's not a song this time."

Jenna grabbed the notebook and read through the words. It wasn't a poem either, though it did have a certain rhythm. There were three paragraphs, each one talking about something different. As Jenna read, her heart kept sinking.

Tyler just stared at the flowers in silence. He barely moved a muscle as he glanced at Jenna reading every once in a while.

In those paragraphs, he had written down the thoughts he had during the night. They were horrible, he knew. And for some reason, using music to try and survive didn't work this time. So he wrote, and he wrote in the morning, and he wrote on the bus and finally, he wrote in the school.

When Jenna finished reading all she did was pull Tyler in a tight hug. Tyler hugged back as carefully as he could as he didn't want to damage the flowers.

"You should have called me..." Jenna said with a sigh.

"I know... I just wasn't thinking straight..."

Jenna took Tyler's face in her hands. "I don't care of you're not thinking straight. Just call me, and if you feel like you can't talk, knock on something three times."

Tyler nodded.

The bell rang and they both got up to leave. Jenna smiled at him once more.

"Keep your head high..." She said.

"...and your hopes higher." He completed.

They both smiled before they walked to separate directions, Jenna meeting up with Josh in their classroom and Tyler meeting up with Mark in his.

And so they all started school.


	2. ||Blue Hoodie||

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, back here again. i am not a professional writer, so sorry for any ~advanced~ mistakes

Tyler couldn't help but think about the blue-haired boy who would stare at him almost every day. He was easy to identify since his hair was tinted a different color every month, and Tyler honestly thought that the boy was kind of cute. He asked Jenna about him one day. The answer he got was rather underwhelming, yet enough for him. His name was Josh, and he was Jenna's best friend.

He kept wondering why he always stared at him. Tyler kind of understood why. He was mostly quiet, and he tended to ignore everyone around him unless he found them to be particularly interesting.  He knew everyone found him to be a little peculiar and mysterious. Though he himself didn't believe he was mysterious. Just, quiet and thoughtful.

Tyler sighed as he sat on a playground bench. He chuckled softly to himself as he realized his hoodie was the same color as Josh's hair. Unintentionally coordinating with him, but also coordinating his outfit with Jenna's. He carried Jenna's flowers in a small space on the side of his backpack, normally used for water bottles. Occasionally he would check they were still there, he did not want to lose them. They held a special meaning to him. 

And this time there were orange ones. 

Orange gave Tyler a sense of comfort. He didn't really know why, though he thought that maybe it was the fact that in his grandma's house there was a lot of things with the color orange. And his grandma was one of the few humans who actually treated him like a normal person. Once, when he was younger, he asked her what she thought about boys liking boys. Her answer was one he'd never forget. 

_"Oh Tyler," She set her coffee cup down. "You can love whoever you want to love." She smiled a little. "As long as you stay true to yourself, you'll be fine."_

When he asked his parents...it was a different story. They yelled at him for asking such questions and grounded him for even pondering the possibility of it ever being correct or even natural. 

 _"How dare you even ask that?! You know the answer, we've_ **_taught_ ** _you so." His father sighed after his mother stopped talking. "Go to your room and write two whole pages as to why you know that's wrong. And you're not allowed to leave after you've finished."_

He shook his head as if to clear it.  _"No..."_ He thought. _"I do not like Josh in that way..."_

"What are you thinking about mister?" A rather recognizable female voice said. It was not Jenna, though Tyler wished it had been. 

Tyler looked up at the girl, her wavy hair fell almost effortlessly down over her shoulders. She was wearing a military green shirt and some white converse. He stared at her for a second, and he recognized her face. It was Debby, a girl who seemed to get along with Jenna. She seemed like a nice girl, he wasn't going to lie. Yet something about her made Tyler unable to trust her. He stayed quiet. 

Debby sighed and sat next to him, a little too fast for Tyler's liking, which made him jump. "Sorry, sorry..." Debby quickly apologized. She spoke again after Tyler stopped tensing and decided to relax. "Look, I know you don't find me likable..." Tyler almost protested, but that would be interrupting her and he didn't want to be rude. He let her carry on. "But I just want to tell you that I'm always up for a quick chat. I know some great frozen yogurt places downtown where we can hang out if you want to. Jenna talks about you sometimes and she sometimes says she's too worried about you being too lonely. So if you need company and your other two friends aren't available, you can call me." 

Tyler thought about it for a while. He thought that maybe, just maybe he could hang out with her for a while. See what she's really like. Maybe he would find he was wrong about her. She really seemed nice. He turned to her before nodding. 

"That would be nice..." Tyler fidgeted a little. "The thing is I-I don't really have your number..."

Debby seemed actually surprised he had spoken to her this time. "Oh, oh, right..." She took a piece of paper from the notebook in her backpack and wrote her number on it, giving it to Tyler afterward. "By the way I'm De-"

Tyler interrupted her. "Debby. I know, Jenna has spoken to me about you."

Debby smiled at him before checking the time. "Oh, I've got class...see you later?"

Tyler simply nodded and watched her leave. He still had ten minutes left. He took out his sketchbook and decided to make a quick doodle of the blue-haired boy. He erased the nose at least three times. A doodle became a detailed drawing. Soon enough he was coloring the boy's skin with his markers, watercolors, and even coloursoft pencils. 

He may have lost track of time. He realized too late and Jenna was already standing in front of him, blocking the sun, making Tyler look up from his almost finished drawing.

"You only draw the things you find interesting." She spoke as she sat down next to him, taking a better look at the drawing. "Why haven't you spoken to him then?"

"Nervous?" Tyler sighed softly. "I seem to make him uneasy. Better stay away from him."

"Aw Ty, I forgot you aren't used to talking to people first..."

"Yeah..." Jenna pets his hair.

"I can get him to talk to you! He's been wanting to meet you, you know? But he's too scared of rejection"

"No! What, what if  _h_ e does not like  _m_ e?"

Jenna laughed. "He'll like you. I'm sure, Tyler, it's my best friend we're talking about."

"Yeah, I guess..." Tyler finished coloring Josh, adding stars in his hair.

Tyler loved the stars.

There was something about them, how bright they could be maybe. Or how the sky was dotted with them all over as if it were wearing the most beautiful glittery dress that had been manufactured.

The stars against Josh's bright blue hair made a nice contrast, something Tyler enjoyed. He gave Jenna his notebook, letting her look through the pages, from the oldest to the newest drawings. When she found hers she smiled. In her drawing, she was wearing a yellow dress, over her head was an orbit of planets and stars.

Tyler loved the stars. 


	3. ||Therapist||

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> might make a playlist with the songs i listened to, on youtube of course because i don't have spotify
> 
> update: lmao had to edit the title i literally can't type

Tyler walks into the horribly cold office. He didn't know why, but the little room had always been colder than the waiting room, or the other rooms, for that matter. The office was pretty weird, he had always imagined that it would be the classic white and gray colors. But this office had beige walls and wine colored curtains.

There's orange, Tyler noticed, in the small pieces of embroidery hung on the walls. But also some of the thin horizontal lines that decorated the plain beige. It wasn't the same bright orange that was present at his grandma's house, or in Jenna's flowers. It's a light type of orange, a pale kind of orange, a sickly yellow tone of orange. That's-how-a-sick-pumpkin-would-look-like type of orange.

There's red, Tyler noticed, also in the embroidery pieces, but also in the small decals in the room, as well as the circular carpet under both chairs and desk. It wasn't the red that makes you think of rubies. Or the deep red that reminds you of roses and love and passion. It was an awfully cheery red with pink hues that made Tyler's head hurt. It was a cheery color in a not so cheery place and that made Tyler uneasy.

There were pinks and purples too, in the dried flowers in the vase on Dr. Blossom's desk. Tyler looked at them, the purple and pink made a weird combination with all the warm toned colors the room was covered in. They seemed out of place.

 _"Yellow would have combined better."_ Tyler thought.

Dr. Blossom kept typing on her computer. Tyler didn't exactly know why, as they hadn't even talked yet. He sat there for a good five minutes before Dr. Blossom took her gaze away from the screen and onto Tyler's expressionless face.

"Sorry for making you wait, Tyler..." Dr. Blossom spoke honestly. "I had to finish some reports about the previous patient." She looked at the clock on the wall. "You arrived earlier than usual." She noted.

"My dad dropped me off early this time, my brother has a basketball game. And you know I don't like the noise―"

"Which is why you don't play anymore." She finished, that irritated Tyler. "I remember, no need to repeat it every time we speak."

Tyler simply shrugged.

"So, how have you been feeling?" Dr. Blossom spoke, as she started recording on her voice notes and writing in her notebook.

"The usual," Tyler said.

"And the usual is?"

He sighed. He repeated it every single time he went there. "Numb sometimes, bored, everything feels like I'm dreaming and like everything is less vibrant." He played with his hair for a little bit. "I've been drawing more, writing less, listening more, talking less...and observing more." He added, just to see what reaction Dr. Blossom would have.

You see, for Tyler, this was mostly a game. See how smart Dr. Blossom is. Use different tones when he doesn't mean something and then use it again when he really means it. Switch it up and then keep it the same. Jenna had managed to figure it out after a while, and now he had become easy to read for her. She became entirely familiar with his vocal tones, making it easy to tell when he was lying or not.

Dr. Blossom still struggled at times and sometimes Tyler wondered if she really paid attention to what he was saying and how he was saying it.

"You added that everything is less vibrant...so it really wasn't the usual, now, was it?" She spoke, Tyler was surprised she noticed this, he chuckled softly, mostly sounding uninterested. "And also that you have been writing less. Do you mean songs or your journal?"

She had figured it out today. Tyler smirked to himself before speaking. "Songs  _and_  journal."

"Is it because you've been drawing and observing more? And, have you been drawing more in an attempt to make life more vibrant?"

Tyler nodded, looking at his backpack, he knew she was going to ask to see them.

"May I take a look?" She asked politely.

The one thing Tyler really liked about Dr. Blossom is that she would never obligate him to share more than he would like. If Tyler ever said he didn't want to talk about it anymore, or simply told her to wait until he was ready, she would respect it.

Tyler stood up and walked over to his backpack, taking his sketchbook and handing it to Dr. Blossom. Tyler had mostly drawn Jenna, and Jenna's flowers, and Mark, and Jenna's flowers, and Jenna again, and the sky outside, and Debby at the frozen yogurt place, and Josh, and Josh's eyes, and Mark playing video games, and Jenna, and Jenna's flowers...and Josh.

"I see you've drawn Jenna's gifts a bunch...has she given you more flowers recently?" Dr. Blossom asked.

"Yeah...she's perceived me as quieter, which is true because I've been observing more. She color-coded the flowers, for what she wants to say. Yellow is usual."

Dr. Blossom nodded, she knew Tyler wouldn't want to share the color-codes yet. It took him a whole two months to reveal to her that orange meant comfort to him. "I can recognize Mark...even Debby. But who is this blue-haired boy? Is he a new friend?"

Tyler chuckled softly. "I've only talked to him  _once_."

"And you've already drawn him three times?" She said as she looked at the drawings again. "That's new...you used watercolor on a drawing of a person. You never use watercolor on a person."

Dr. Blossom was extremely aware today. Tyler noticed this, she had figured him out completely today. And maybe she was becoming better at his game.

Tyler shrugged once more. "I just like him a lot, he has something special..."

"You're willing to find out what it is, aren't you?"

"Of course I am."

Dr. Blossom chuckled softly. "I would love to know what it is when you find out." She closed his sketchbook and handed it to him. She looked at the time and then at her notes. "Our time today has come to an end, Tyler." She turned to look at him. "Do you need more antidepressants?"

Tyler shook his head. "I still have some."

Dr. Blossom nodded. "Let me know when you start to run low on them so I can have a new bottle ready."

Tyler nodded this time and stood up to grab his backpack. He opened the door and waved weakly at Dr. Blossom, who waved back before he walked out into the waiting room so his father could come and pick him up.

As he waited he looked at his drawings again, smiling as he found the small notebook paper Jenna had given him in case he forgot the codes.

_"Yellow- Courage, and certainty, happiness too_

_Orange- Comfort, and calm_

_Pink- Care and cautiousness_

_Purple- Security and confidence_

_White- Tranquility and peace_

_So if I give you yellow and orange flowers I wish you find the courage to do something, or maybe find calm and comfort in something or someone. If I give you purple and orange flowers I wish you find confidence, comfort, and security. And so on...I guess you understand now."_

Tyler smiled at her handwriting before putting both the note and the sketchbook in his backpack, to walk to his father's car and sit down on the seat. He looked out the window the whole ride, thinking about the codes. He looked at the yellow and orange flowers. He smiled, Jenna knew he wanted to talk to Josh...and she found a way for both of them to meet. He chuckled softly and shook his head.

Jenna is a smart girl.


	4. ||Maddy||

"Tyler, what are you doing?" Maddy said as she walked into the room.

"Nothing much..." Tyler responded.

He was sitting on his bed, staring at the wall blankly. It was one of his bad days, Maddy knew, even though she was only 9. She was young, but she had witnessed Tyler's episodes more than her own mother. Tyler knew Maddy would only come looking for him when he was getting exceptionally bad. He didn't know how or why she knew he was feeling so low. Probably because it was when he would lock himself in his room and disappear for days. Not that that wasn't what he did on the daily, the difference was that he wouldn't leave ever, not even for food. Maddy sat down next to him, looking up at him. Tyler looked back at her. He was always surprised as to how much Maddy resembled their father.

"Tytee, may you draw something for me?" She asked in a whisper as if speaking too loudly would make Tyler crumble.

"You know I will. What do you want me to draw?"

"Two cats, my coloring book doesn't have cats."

Tyler nodded and grabbed a white piece of paper. He sat on his desk and took a pencil. Maddy followed him and sat on the chair next to him, watching him draw. Tyler traced the outline carefully before tracing everything again with one of his artist pens, adding a few details like lines in the irises and shading. He gave the drawing to Maddy with a small smile.

"There, you can color it now," Tyler told her.

"But I want you to color with me..." Maddy said as she pushed the drawing so it was between them both.

"Maddy, I'm not in the mood."

"Please?"

"No..."

"Please Ty..."

Maddy was pouting at him. Tyler sighed and tucked her hair behind her ear gently before taking a second look at the drawing. It wouldn't take long to color it, especially with crayons. Maddy looked at him expectantly, mentally repeating  _"Say yes"_  over and over again.

"Alright, fine. I will."

"Yaaayyy!" Maddy said before she ran to get her box of crayons. She came back and sat down, putting the box of crayons between them both.

Tyler took a gray color and started coloring the fur, while Madison picked an orange-red. Maddy colored the cat as well as a 9-year-old could. Tyler, being an artist, colored it the best he could with crayons. For the eyes, Tyler used a lime green while Maddy used a sky blue. Both of them used pink for the nose.

"Yours is always better..." Maddy mumbled. "I will beat you one day!" She said determinedly.

"I bet you will." Tyler ruffled her hair and she giggled.

"Hey, Tytee?"

"Yes, Maddy?"

"Everything will be okay, I promise..."

Tyler smiled at Maddy. "I hope so, I really do"

Maddy pecked Tyler's cheek. "Goodnight Tyler." She said as she walked out, drawing in hand.

"Goodnight Madison." Tyler sighed after she closed the door.

He looked at his journal and took a pen, taking the pen to the paper, making the ink write words to be left imprinted on it. Tyler had always found having a diary was weird. Faking journal entries used to be his forte, but now he's discovered that writing is somehow therapeutic. He sometimes needed the catharsis. He didn't write like most people. He wrote poems.

_"I'm scared of what life has in store for me_

_Something that shouldn't be..._

_I must be careful with these seasons_

_Something fragile is my heart_

_I must save its pieces_

_When I begin to fall apart"_

He put the pen down and closed the notebook. He looked out the window and saw the birds outside. He somehow had always imagined his heart like a bird and his mind as a cage. He wanted to be free, but he knew he never would be. Not in this world, if ever. And probably never in another life. He sighed, all he ever wanted was freedom and he knew he would never have it. He closed the curtains to avoid thinking about all the things he could be doing if he were free.

Then his mind traveled to Josh. The way his eyes became all squinty when he smiled, and how his voice was coral and his laugh a shade lighter than coral, his blue curls shining against the sun and wow that nose ring...Tyler shook his head as if to clear it.

_"No," He thought. "I can't like him in this way. It's wrong..."_

He went back and laid down in bed, staring at the ceiling. He hummed a small tune he had stuck in his head for a while now. It wasn't catchy or anything like that. Just part of a song he wrote last night. He sighed to himself, knowing Jenna would be worried about him when he got back to school. He decided to try and close his eyes, waiting for sleep to take him.

Even though it never did.


	5. ||Meet?||

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao sorry for being so gone

Maddy had convinced him to go to school today. Tyler wasn't in the mood for anything. He got up and made his way downstairs. His mother refused to look at him, and Tyler knew very well why. His mother had always been cold towards him. When he played basketball she made him shoot at least 100 shots before dinner. If he didn't succeed he wouldn't eat anything. When Tyler had his first episode she only called him weak. She only complied to take him to a therapist since he and Jenna had a talk with her. 

"Don't forget to take the trash out." She said as she kept washing the dishes.

Tyler took the trash and put it in the garbage bins outside, before taking a walk to the school. He arrived and ignored everyone's stares. There were many rumors about him, all of them incorrect. Jenna started shooting glares at anyone who was whispering near them. The rumors stopped after that. What continues to be said is that he's mysterious, weird, cold and a loner. None of them were true. He just didn't trust anyone, except maybe Jenna, and Mark. Which was the reason why people couldn't decide whether she was dating Josh or him. She was dating neither, just a really good friend.

Which was true.  

Tyler arrived early, as always. He sat on his spot, like always. He took out his notebooks, determined to catch up on all assignments he had missed since he didn't go to school for a week. He started with Chemistry, advancing to History next. And soon he had finished half the assignments he had to give to the teachers. He heard some footsteps and decided to shrug it off, before catching the smell of cologne. He looked up and smiled small at Mark, who kindly passed some of the Math assignments as well as Language and even Geography. Literature though, it was a little more complicated. He had to write a story about his childhood with a fantasy twist. His childhood wasn't exactly nice. Yet, he started writing. 

_This is the story of a little boy. A boy who used to walk down the streets when the sun was out and would look out the window when the sun was down. A boy whose hair was neat under the sunlight but became messy when the curtains and windows were closed. The smell of alcohol and cigarette smoke was always present in his clothes and walls. The blood on his hands sometimes, not from another man, but his own. The story of a little boy who would tell his siblings stories about pirates and princesses and fairies to distract them from the glass breaking downstairs._

_The story of a boy like me._

_The only difference is that this particular boy could light up characters from his fingers made out of golden grains. Make them dance, make them sing.  His siblings' eyes would light up as golden Peter Pan flew around the room, or how Ariel swam around them. Yes, this is the story about a little boy who distracted his siblings while everything was crumbling._

_This little boy once fell asleep under the lemon tree. A lemon fell on his head. And he never woke up again._

He reviews his work over and over. He adds some punctuation and changes some words before finally closing the notebook. Jenna arrives and walks towards him, leaving her backpack on the ground and hugging him. Tyler tenses his muscles before perceiving the smell of shea butter and cocoa, relaxing into the embrace. Jenna smiles before putting the flowers in front of Tyler. This time though, she has not brought yellow ones. White and pink ones only. 

 "Thank you, Jen," Tyler said before taking the flowers and smelling them with a smile. "I see you've brought only pink and white ones today."

"Yeah... You were gone for a whole week, I brought flowers every day." Jenna said as she sat beside him.

"Sorry."

"It's fine." She sighed softly. "How are you feeling now?"

Tyler only looked at her, not daring to lie, but not daring to speak. Mark couldn't know. He wasn't supposed to. Tyler didn't want him to. Jenna took his silence as a sign he wasn't ready and gave a small nod. She hugged him again, tighter this time and Tyler hugged back just as tight. Jenna gave him a small pat on the head and turned to look at Josh who was just arriving. 

Tyler turned to look at the blue-haired boy. He looked different, maybe it was the hair. It looked more like a cloud today. Or maybe the fact that he had changed his gauges into red ones, popping more than the usual black ones he wears. Maybe it was the checkered Vans, he has not brought them here, and they looked quite new. Tyler noticed he was literally checking Josh out and the poor guy had shrunk under Tyler's judging gaze, feeling oh so nervous all of a sudden. He was being stared at as if he were an animal on display. 

Tyler softened his gaze and turned to his sketchbook as a better option, starting to quickly sketch Jenna's flowers out. With a rather shaky hand, he managed to do sketch the flowers pretty well, taking his watercolors and painting them, carefully lining them with marker and adding a few darker tones with colored pencils. 

Josh sat down across from him, watching him paint and color and ink the drawing, Jenna smiling as he did so. Tyler was so concentrated that he didn't notice them staring, and continued until he finished, looking up and feeling rather embarrassed at both of their gazes. Mark gave him a thumbs up. 

Mark wasn't a man of many words. 

"So, Tyler...This is Josh." Jenna gestured Josh, sitting across Tyler. "And Josh, this is Tyler."

"Hey." Josh smiled. 

It was a warm smile, Tyler never smiled back at people he didn't know. Most of those smiles were fake and not very happy looking. They looked forced, painted on. He didn't like it at all, it made him feel uneasy. Like when a place that normally is loud suddenly is quiet. That's how a smile that is not happy feels like. 

Josh’s wasn’t like that at all, Tyler smiled back. He hoped his smile was as warm as his. "Hi."

Josh's eyes squinted when he smiled, forming wrinkles at the sides of his eyes. Tyler thought it was absolutely adorable. 

"So you're into art?" Josh asked

"Yeah, and music. Though I think I suck at music, so I stopped." Tyler shrugged a little. 

"Interesting..." Josh said. "I play the drums, but I would love to hear you play."

"I mean... Would you really?" Tyler fidgeted with his fingers. No one had wanted to hear him play apart from Jenna.  

"Of course." Josh smiled again, for he found Tyler absolutely interesting. 

But because of what Jenna had told him, he knew Tyler was so very troubled. 


	6. ||Talk||

Tyler was sitting down at the bottom of one of the many cherry trees in school. Next to him was Josh, his head resting on his backpack, laying his body on the cool grass. He was reading Huckleberry Finn for Literature class. At his other side was Jenna, laying her head on Tyler's lap, scrolling through some websites and showing Tyler certain outfits, to which he would either nod or shake his head. Tyler was reading Moby Dick, for Literature class too. As Tyler read, Josh would ask questions every now and then.

"So, you play many instruments huh?" Josh asked and Tyler nodded. "I think my favorite, besides the drums, is the piano."

"I prefer the bass," Jenna commented, before showing a floral dress to Tyler, to which he nodded.

"You haven't heard me play, Josh," Tyler told him, not looking away from his book.

"But I will, one day." Josh smiled.

Tyler rolled his eyes playfully before mumbling. "I understand whale anatomy, can we move on now, Herman?" Josh chuckled.

"I like that book," Jenna said suddenly.

"Of course you would," Josh said.

Jenna rolled her eyes, before Tyler spoke, peeking up from his book for the first time in 15 minutes. "Big white whale is a metaphor for everything. You live for pretentious metaphors."

"I live for your metaphors too..." She said, looking back. "Are you calling them pretentious too?"

Tyler smiled. "Nah, I call that a glow up."

Josh laughed.

*****

As Tyler walked back home, Josh used his skateboard. Tyler struggled to keep up, ultimately giving up and letting him skate in front of him. Josh had his headphones in, listening to some song Tyler had never heard of. Josh had some weird tastes, but Tyler didn't mind. He himself couldn't decide on a genre to play.

"How about you come over to my house, Tyler?" Josh said.

Tyler panicked a little. The only house he'd ever been in, besides his own, was Mark's and Jenna's. Jenna noticed, and put a hand on his shoulder, handing a yellow flower. "Courage and certainty." Tyler thought.

"Um... I-I don't know." Tyler answered truthfully.

"Or maybe, I can go to yours..." Josh suggested.

"I-I would have to ask my mum first..." Tyler said.

Jenna smiled small. "I'm sure she'll let you if I'm there."

And it was true. Tyler's mom seemed to love Jenna very much, and whatever she wanted Tyler to tag along in, she managed to convince. Even if she wasn't really going to be there, she somehow always got his mother to believe her.

"I-I guess..."

"Cool," Josh said, stopping the skateboard and stepping beside it, raising his hand in front of him. Tyler stepped back out of reflex and tilted his head at the gesture, Jenna laughed. "It’s, it's a high-five."

"A high-five?" Tyler asked. "What is a high-five?" Tyler thought.

"Yeah, yeah..." Josh put his hand down, feeling anxious. "It's when two people slap each other's palms as, as a hello, goodbye or when you celebrate something."

"Oh," Tyler said, frowning slightly.

"Tyler doesn't know much about these types of things, Josh," Jenna spoke smoothly, her voice reaching an almost lilac hue.

"I-I see..." Josh shrugged. "Well, uh Tyler...want to try a high-five?"

"Um..." Tyler raised his hand a little, swinging it forward as Josh did so too, making a slapping sound, the sound resonating against Tyler's chest and ringing in his ears.

"Yeah! That's it." Josh smiled. "That was great, for your first high-five, kid."

"Kid?" Tyler asked.

"It's a nickname, you know... Like Ty." Jenna spoke again.

"Oh," Tyler said for the second time.

Jenna stopped walking. "Josh, I'll be in your house after Tyler gets to eat. Give me half an hour and we'll be there."

"Well, that is sure specific. Alright, I'll be waiting." Josh smiled before skating off towards his house, Tyler realizing it was only two trees a distance away from his own.

"I thought we'd be inviting him over," Tyler told Jenna.

"I think you should get to know him first." She said with a smile. "Now, food."

Tyler shrugged before walking into his house, being greeted by smiley Maddy, him picking her up and twirling her in the air, as the princess she was to him. Jay hugged his leg, being only 5, Tyler ruffling his hair. Then Zack, he just gave him a small wave, Tyler waving back. His father didn't even look up from the newspaper and his mom only smiled. Not at him, though, she smiled at Jenna.

"Jenna, sweetie! How are you?" She stood up and hugged Jenna. "Want some food, darling?"

Jenna smiled as she hugged Kelly back. "Sure, I'll tag along today. And I'm doing pretty well, actually."

"That's great honey." She quickly gave Jenna and Tyler a plate. "So how was school Tyler?"

"Great I guess," Tyler mumbled.

"Do not mumble, speak clearly, Tyler." Chris suddenly spoke, throwing Tyler off guard. Chris almost never spoke to him.

"Sorry." Tyler decided to just start eating, before putting the fork down quickly as he remembered. "Thanks for the food mum," Tyler said, beginning to eat after his mother nodded.

Jenna could feel the tension in the room, quickly striking a conversation with Kelly to lighten the mood. After a while of chatting, Jenna brought the whole Josh thing up, Kelly eyeing her suspiciously.

"Kelly, please. Tyler only has one friend beside me and that's Mark. They barely talk and only play video games. I think making new friends will help with his social skills, don't you think?" Jenna insisted.

Kelly looked at Chris. "Hey, don't look at me. I'm just reading my newspaper."

"Will you be there?" Jenna nodded. "Alright. Tyler, you can go... But only if you promise me one thing." Kelly suggested.

"Promise you what?"

"You'll be back home at 10. 10:30 at most. You come back here at 10:31 and we're going to have a problem."

Tyler shuddered. He knew what his mother was capable of.

"I promise."


	7. ||Purple & gray||

Jenna walked with Tyler towards Josh's house, knocking on the door once they were there. Josh opened the door with a small smirk and a wave, Tyler subconsciously raising a brow at his smirk and Jenna rolling her eyes at him.

"You, miss, came back at 31 minutes. You're late." He said, with a small chuckle.

"Oh shut up, sir. It's only a minute." She responded.

"Ah, alright, come in then. You too, kid." Josh said as he looked at Tyler awkwardly standing there. 

As they walked in, Tyler looked at his surroundings. The walls consisted of gray tones, some rooms darker than the others, but all the rooms had purple tones too. Some of the walls had purple flowers painted in them, others had horizontal, thin lines across them, and the staircase had small triangles. Tyler liked it. The air wasn't tense like it was in his house, here it was quite calm. Sprawled on the couch was a young lady, not much younger than them, she looked up curiously at Tyler. Beside her was a boy, entranced in some video game.

"Who are you?" A small voice asked. Tyler looked down at the owner of the voice, seeing a small girl with a teddy bear in hand. 

Josh picked her up with a small chuckle. "Tyler, this is Abby. She's my youngest sibling." He smiled. 

"Princess Abby for you!" She smacked Josh with her teddy bear.

Josh laughed and rolled his eyes. "I apologize, your Highness."

"You are forgiven!" Abby laughed. 

"Well, greetings your Highness, my name is Tyler," Tyler said unsure his choice of words were correct. "Nice dress you've got there, princess, heading somewhere important?"

"Greetings, Tyler! Yes, I am heading to an important tea party with Mr. Fluffy and Sir Jay the Bird!"

"Ah, that sounds fun, darling. I hope you enjoy it." Tyler smiled.

Abby smiled back and nodded, before demanding to be put down and running into her room. Josh rolled his eyes at her and looked back at Tyler. Jenna smiling goofily at him, Tyler looked up, back at them both.

"What?" He asked.

"Nothing." They both answered.

"Anyway, that’s Ashley over there and Jordan," Josh said, his siblings waving at Tyler. Tyler waving back with a smile. 

They walked into the kitchen next. What Tyler saw was so far from what he normally saw back home. A woman, who Tyler assumed was Josh's mother, was cleaning the counters with a damp cloth, while a man, who Tyler assumed was Josh's father, was cleaning the dishes while he hummed. Josh must have noticed the longing on Tyler's face, for he looked at him confused, this pushing Jenna to set a hand on his shoulder. 

"Oh hello..." The woman said as she noticed all three. "So is this your new friend, Josh?" Her tone was calm. It was like a light summer breeze. It was different, Tyler wasn't used to that type of environment. 

Everything was winter. Cold, distant, blue hues against the walls, the tickle of the stinging cold against your skin. There were moments of warmth of course, but they often turned into raging flames like the ones in the chimney. His mother's eyes as absent as the leaves on trees in fall, his father's voice as sharp as icicles. The shivers in his body even though it was hot, and the AC wasn't on. Everything was winter back home.

"Yeah, mom this is Tyler. He's a little quiet." Josh smiled warmly at him. 

"It's a pleasure to meet you Tyler. Feel like home, our home is yours. I'm Laura and that guy over there is Bill, my husband." She smiled, a smile as warm as Josh's. Surely that's where he had gotten it from. Bill waved a little, nodding in agreement to his wife's words before turning back to the dishes. 

Tyler was taken aback by their calm and caring words. He bet they knew nothing about what went back home, but the fact that he was this welcome in theirs meant the world to him. He nodded with a small smile before Josh offered them to go into his room. They walked up the stairs and went into his room. His room seemed like a misfit compared to the rest of the house. The walls were a shade slightly darker than burgundy, all walls had two white, thin, horizontal lines across them. The wall parallel to the door had a simple tree decal, in white as well. Tyler looked around curiously. His room seeming like a horrible mess compared to this one. 

"How about we play 20 questions?" Jenna said. "You two know nothing about each other, it seems like a fun idea."

Josh nodded. "Yeah, that sounds fun."

"I guess," Tyler said.

They proceeded to sit on the floor, creating a small circle. Jenna asked a few questions, Josh asked others, Tyler asked more and more. Wanting to know as much as he could about Josh. Favorite color, favorite movie, favorite song, favorite album, favorite actress, favorite actor, favorite series- anything. Soon enough Tyler even knew a couple of his favorite books. Pleased with the results of the game, he looked at the time. His face must have given it away, Jenna panicked slightly too. 

It was 11:00. There was no way they were making it on time. 

Jenna stood and dragged Tyler quickly out of the house, dropping her shoes in the process. They ran as quickly as they could to Tyler's house, knocking on the door as soon as they got there. Jenna fidgeted with her fingers, she couldn't bear the possibility that if something happened to Tyler, it would be her fault.  

Kelly opened the door, by the look in her eyes revealed what Jenna feared the most. Kelly sighed in disappointment, lifting her arm and slapping Tyler's cheek, leaving a burning red mark on it. Her own hand burned, but she did not show it. Jenna was shocked, Kelly had never done that in front of her, and she always got to know through Tyler. A wave of anger that she had never felt before washed over her. Tyler didn't move. He knew that if he did it would be worse. Kelly took his chin in her hand and forced him to look up at her. 

"You  _never_  break a promise made to me. Understood?" Her voice felt heavy. Freezing. It felt like a hot knife easily slicing through Tyler's soul.

"Yes, mother." Tyler clenched his jaw. He knew another blow was coming. 

Sure enough, he was punched this time. He felt the blood trickle down his chin, his lip had busted open. He wiped it with the back of his hand. 

"To your room. Now. No dinner and you have to get up early tomorrow for school." Kelly quickly said. 

Tyler didn't even say goodbye to Jenna. He was too embarrassed. He was confused as well, why did his mother not care about Jenna being right next to him? Jenna was too confused to process anything. Kelly closed the door, after mumbling a small "You go on now." 

Jenna practically ran back to Josh's house, climbing the stairs and into his room, crying. Any tears she had been holding in front of Kelly she was letting go now. Confused, Josh embraced her. Jenna hugged back tightly as she tried to calm her breathing. 

"What in the world happened?" Josh asked in a whisper.

"Oh...it was horrible Josh! She had never assaulted him in front of me before!" She cried onto his arm and Josh furrowed his brows, petting her hair. 

"What did she do?" Josh asked in the same whispered tone.

"She, she slapped him, hard..." She sniffled and seemed to be wiping tears, though they kept coming. "...and, and then, she punched him. He, he bled... His lip was busted open." 

Josh, more confused now, held her tighter. "All because he was late? How many minutes?"

"Thirty."

Josh felt incredibly angry and scared. What would have happened if he had arrived even later? What would he have gotten then? He widened his eyes, realizing Tyler could be suffering right now. Even worse; could have gotten worse things done to him. 

Tyler was now in his room, pressing a piece of ice enveloped in a shirt against his lip. He had taken the ice from Zack since Zack saw everything that happened and brought the ice to him. It hurt, not only the lip, it had taken an emotional toll on him. Out of all his siblings, he was the one that received these punishments most. Sometimes he would lie about doing something just to spare his siblings from it. 

For that, they would forever be grateful, but also forever haunted by Tyler's tears. 


	8. ||Red||

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back, kind of. my twenty one pilots show is in a week... wow.

Tyler seemed more absent than ever. His gaze had always looked lost, but today it seemed like he was gone. He barely looked up at Jenna's flowers, too embarrassed. He didn't look up at Josh, scared to see his face at the bruises. His already plump lips were swollen at the bottom, the cut was still there though it looked more like a scab already. There were a few bruises on his cheek too. 

Josh reached to poke Tyler's shoulder to which he tensed and looked up slowly, covering his mouth his hand. Josh sighed and rubbed his shoulder gently, Tyler wished the earth could just open a hole underneath him and swallow him whole. 

"Hey, it's alright," Josh spoke softly, his voice reaching a shade of lilac he only detected in Jenna's voice. 

Tyler couldn't help it. He started crying, trying hard not to make any sounds. He was taken off guard when he felt two arms around him, they weren't Jenna's of course. Something about the embrace made him melt unto the person's touch. He could smell the scent of homemade soap, and a bunch of other small chemicals that were indescribable, other than what that person smells like. 

Tyler looked up, partly to wipe his tears and partly to see who was hugging him. It was Josh, and he seemed worried about him. Something red flashed across Josh's eyes, and Tyler simply looked down again, his left hand was pressed against his chest and the right was on his back. Both of Josh's hands were on either side of him, successfully keeping him close. Josh started petting Tyler's hair, Tyler liked that and reflexively nuzzled against his hand. 

This was wrong. But somehow, Tyler couldn't bring himself to pull away. 

"Better?" Josh asked. 

"Better," Tyler responded, his voice still thick with tears. 

Jenna promptly took all of Tyler's art supplies and put them away, in Tyler's bag. He was in no condition of going through the day. She gave him his bag and stood up, Tyler looking up slowly. 

"How about, we go walk around instead of staying in this place?" Jenna said. 

"But my grades- they can't worsen," Tyler said with a small quiver in his voice. 

"I'll speak to the teacher. Besides, your grades never go below a B" Jenna said confidently.

"Alright..." Tyler spoke softly. 

Josh pulled away slowly and Tyler, though he didn't want to, did so as well and hung his backpack on his shoulder. He stood along with Josh and followed Jenna out of school grounds. They walked for a while, bought Tyler ice cream and then took him to a park. The trio sat on the swings and swung slightly, each of them eating their ice cream. Josh had oreo, Tyler had vanilla and Jenna had amaranth.  

"Vanilla is such a boring ice cream flavor," Josh said, taking a big lick from his ice cream.

Tyler sat up. "Oh shush, yours is vanilla with cookie crumbs in it."

"But it has  _cookie crumbs_ , not just plain, boring vanilla," Josh said.

Tyler rolled his eyes. "I put sprinkles on it..."

Jenna laughed softly. "You two are so silly."

"You and your healthy crap," Josh mumbled. "Fricken amaranth ice cream."

Tyler rarely swore. He widened his eyes slightly and just looked down at his ice cream again so that Josh wouldn't notice. He kicked the rocks, he closed his eyes, and he took in the fresh air. He felt the breeze against his hoodie, against his pants, against his face. He took in Josh's voice and Jenna's and those muffled conversations around them. The faint smell of churros from that small stand on the left corner and the taste of vanilla ice cream with sprinkles and crunchy waffle cone. 

In these moments, Tyler could say he felt happy. Maybe they'd joke around after this and he would laugh. Maybe they would just chill under the trees from the forest and listen to music played on Jenna's speakers. Maybe Jenna would read while Josh laid down and Tyler drew. Maybe Tyler would play for Josh and Josh would play for him. 

And yes, if someone asked him then, he would be able to admit he is happy. 

But then, suddenly at night, it's late. The sky is a deep blue and for some reason, he can't really register, there's blood on his hands. And he knows it's his own and it hurts. And his head hurts and his chest is heaving and he can't breathe and he looks out of the window into the sky and into the streets and he curses whoever is up there because why can’t He help him? And he's crying though he really doesn't know why ad he can taste metal on his tongue and he wonders if he really was happy at all. He wonders if his friends really are his friends. He wonders if it's true that his mother really loves him. If his father really is proud. If Jenna really does care. If Mark really does worry. If Josh really does want to stay. 

And yes, if someone asked him then, he would probably shut the door in their face with tear-stained cheeks. 

He decided to just keep eating his ice cream. 

*****

Tyler helped Maddy get ready for church. It was Sunday, and as usual, they would go to mass. There was only one reason Tyler looked forward to it; Ruby. A young girl who was wise beyond her years, she had a relationship with God that Tyler only desired. The girl always wore red dresses, for her favorite color was red. Quite fitting for her name. Ruby red, she would say, was her favorite color because it has her name.

She asked her mom that the pink walls in her room be changed to red. 

Ruby red reminded Tyler of the cheeriness yellow has, though it completely lacked any form of brightness. It was because of this little girl, that this shade of red gave him some sort of hope and faith. A sort of hope he only sensed in Ruby's voice when she spoke about God. The type of faith you could feel against your skin for a few seconds. 

They walked into the structure after they parked their car. Maddy holding onto Tyler's hand tightly, and some people eyeing Tyler for the bruises on his cheek and scab on his lip. He looked down slightly before sitting down on one of the pews. He saw the priest walk in, a man who tried to make mass as enjoyable as possible, eyeing Tyler as he spoke. He used examples even teens would relate to, to get his point across about some explanation about whatever he had just read. 

After mass, Ruby walked towards Tyler, like she normally would. She sat down with him on a bench and swung her legs a few times. She sighed as Tyler picked at the skin around his thumb with his teeth.

"How have you been Ty?" Ruby asked. Her voice was high pitched and soft. 

"Could be better." He explained. 

"I see. Did your mom do that again?"

"Yeah." He looked away for a little. 

"He wants you to know you'll be okay."

"Will I really? It doesn't seem like it right now."

"It takes time, Ty. Time." 

"Enough time has passed..." He sighed. "And this?" He points to the side of his forehead. "This hasn't gotten any better."

Ruby sighed. Not in disappointment. Not in frustration. A simple sign to show she was thinking. She took the necklace that wrapped her neck and showed it to Tyler. 

"You see the rock on it?" She asked. 

"Yeah, of course. I'm not blind." He responded.

"You're blind to faith." She sighed. "Anyway, this rock is polished. But before that, it probably had rough edges and it was bumpy. Think about your pain like- sandpaper. Of course, it hurts and you feel like it might break you. But in the end, you end up polished, maybe even stronger. It forms you into a beautiful human, a good human. It’s supposed to strengthen your faith and make you better." She put the necklace around her neck again. 

"Why even give me these types of hardship? I-I don't think I'll be able to get over them..."

"You will. You just have to believe in yourself, and more in His wisdom."

"You're wise for a 10-year-old."

"You're wise too, you just don't show it."

He ruffled her hair. "Remind me to sing for you one day."

"Okay." She giggled.

 


	9. ||Purple Blue||

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my show was a week ago, i'm still sobbing

Tyler listens to another scream. It isn't from any of his siblings, he recognizes their voices pretty well. It's his mother. Tyler feels scared, scared to breathe too fast. He's scared to make a sound. His father is drunk again, and Tyler's heart, it aches. It aches because he knows his mother is getting beat up. It aches because he knows that tomorrow he'll look at her and see purple-blue bruises adorning her skin. It aches because he knows that tomorrow she will still treat his father as if nothing happened. 

Suddenly, Tyler hears his sister shuffle out of her room, curious about the noise downstairs. He hears stumbling steps up the staircase. His heart misses a beat and stands up as quickly as he can to step in front of his sister. His father is carrying a belt and he seems very angry, Tyler pushes Maddy behind him. Zack watches as his father approaches Tyler, their father scowls. 

"Move Tyler..." His father says, slurring his words so much it's almost impossible to make out what he said. Tyler knows that when his father gets angry while drunk, he’ll beat whatever is in front of him into a pulp. He can’t let him get to Maddy, he’ll kill her.

Tyler shakes his head and walks towards the door in his room, urging Maddy to step back too. He moves Maddy’s small body until they’re in front of his door, at the end of the hall. Somewhere at the start of the hall, his father is tripping over something on the ground. He spots Zack and urges him to walk inside his own room with Jay. Zack wastes no time in doing so, locking the door just in case.  Tyler opens the door quickly, pushing Maddy inside. He knows his father is near, from one moment to another, Tyler is pushing his father away from the door and closing it. Maddy is safe... Obviously, he isn't. 

His father is now angrier, very drunk and very angry. Tyler hears Maddy lock the door, he hears his mother beg his own father to leave him alone. He hears the crack of the belt against his skin, he hears it again and again. He feels himself fall onto the floor by the force of the impacts, hears screams being ripped out from his throat. Soon, his mother is trying to pull Chris away from Tyler, but to no avail, she's too weak. Tyler was being hit with the most force a drunk and angry man could manage. He could feel himself bleeding all over. His father pushes his mother off and she falls, stumbling against a wall and watches in horror as he continues to beat her oldest son. In an urge to get the pain to stop Tyler kicks his father's legs making him fall over. His father hit his head and finally passed out for a while, Tyler stumbles towards his mother. 

He knows his mother isn't the best, or that she shouldn't be defended. But she's his mother nonetheless, and he would rather have himself be beaten up than her getting the treatment.  

"Mom, mom are you okay? Do, do you need anything?" Tyler asked as he studied his mother's face. She had a bruise on her eye, her lip was bleeding and so was her eyebrow.

"Just bring me some ice Tyler... don't  _you_  need anything?" She asked, with a small thread of voice that was left in her throat. 

Tyler shook his head. He knew he needed something, but he would have too many bruises to count anyway. He went downstairs, holding back a few winces from the pain, to retrieve some ice wrapped in a cloth. He helped his mother stand up and took her to her room. He helped her lay on her bed and he pressed the ice unto her face until the swollen parts became normal. He then pressed a cloth with warm water until the bruises turned a green-yellow mix. 

His mother fell asleep a few minutes afterward. She kept apologizing but Tyler wasn't really sure why. He knocked on the door and Maddy opened it quickly, hugging him tightly. She was crying and shaking and that broke Tyler's heart. He hugged her back as tightly as he could with his whole body sore. Tyler couldn't stand it when his parents beat any of his siblings. He just couldn't watch, he couldn't hear it. It broke him down. He was normally the one who took the blame. He was normally the one who got hit. His siblings almost always felt guilty, though Tyler insisted they shouldn't. 

He lay Maddy on his bed, singing her to sleep. Too scared his father might wake up and do something bad to her. After she was asleep he decided to call Jenna, too scared to speak too loud. After the third tone, Jenna answered the call.  Jenna was sleepy as it was pretty late, she groggily stood up and rubbed her eyes before speaking, and listening to the rather jagged way Tyler was breathing. 

"Ty? Are you okay?" Jenna asked, her voice thick with sleep. 

Tyler looked around for something to knock on. He went to his bedside table and knocked on it three times. Jenna widened her eyes and opened her window, climbing out into the dark streets and crisp, cold air. She shivered but walked towards the address she knew all too well. 

"I'm on my way okay?" She asked, not expecting an answer, hanging up.

Tyler wrapped his arms around himself. He shivered, not because he was cold, but because he feared. He feared for his mother, he feared for his sister, he feared for his brothers, and he feared for his own life. And Tyler never admitted this to anyone. But he feared. He feared for Jenna after his mother assaulted him in front of her. He feared for Josh even though nothing yet had happened to him. He feared for his father's health. 

He feared. He feared that maybe, just maybe, he _was_ a ticking time bomb who would inevitably explode and hurt everyone around him furthermore. He felt like the sparks had started, and these small sparks were already hurting those around him.

That's when Tyler started crying, _really_ crying. The type where you choke on air and let out jagged noises in an attempt to keep quiet. The walls he had built around him for so long finally crumbled. They fell slowly, as if in slow motion, as Tyler realized how bad he actually felt. How bad his thoughts had become. How bad his anxiety had increased. How often he didn't recognize himself in the mirror. How often he felt as if everything was painted on and he wasn't there. How numb he was and how much he missed crying. 

He heard gentle taps against the window, opening it and letting Jenna in. She quickly hugged him as she saw his tear stained face and pet his hair. Tyler only sobbed and hugged her back, he was shaking. He was scared, he was so terribly frightened. It was fear he had been accumulating for years now and only until this very moment had it all exploded. 

"It's okay, you'll be okay..." Jenna whispered in his ear. She wiped his bloodied face with a warm cloth, biting her lip at how badly bruised he was.

Tyler believed her. He believed her for so long. But was he really going to be okay? Was he really going to one day look back and smile at how far he's made it? Tyler made an effort to believe her once again, slowly regaining his composure, and suddenly feeling oh so very tired. 

Jenna did not leave until Tyler fell asleep next to Maddy, climbing out the window and walking back to her own house. She knew it wasn't safe for her to be walking around this late at night, in only her pajamas under the starry sky and enveloped by the chilly air. But when you know your way around the forest; shortcuts are countless. 


	10. ||Pine Trees||

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello im back, so sorry for this one haaa

This had to be the millionth time Tyler sat on the same rock in the middle of the forest. It had to be the millionth time he went in there with his sketchbook. Tyler hadn't been feeling well at all and decided to act sick so he could leave school early. His mother too bruised and still hurt from the previous nights to notice, his father too hungover from three consecutive nights to care. He knew it was wrong to leave his siblings alone in that house, but what else can you do when your mind seems to be fogged up by black smoke?

He stares at the paper blankly, he stares up at the sky blankly, and he stares at the trees blankly. A butterfly stops to stand on the paper. But Tyler still stares blankly. He drags the pencil across the page, a steady line. Probably the straightest line he has done in years, yet he erases it. He writes words on it instead, in the form of a list. Maybe naming stuff would help. 

Numb. 

Overwhelmed. 

Patient.

 Annoyed. 

Desperate. 

Calm.

Anxious.

Distressed.

Hurt.

Angry.

Sad.

Fine.

A turmoil of emotions swirling inside him. All too quick to come and go and they can't seem to settle down. He takes a deep breath, and then another and another and another until it seems he isn't getting enough air anyway and he looks up again. 

Blue.

White.

Yellow.

Bright. 

He closes his eyes. His breathing is calm but his mind isn't. His heart isn't, and suddenly he feels warm around his cheeks. He's crying, but he doesn't feel like he's crying. He knows he is, he feels the tears, but the knot in his throat isn't present. It's like he's watching a movie, you can see the person is crying, but yet you don't actually feel it yourself. 

He pulls at his hair. He scratches at his skin. Positively there's blood, but he doesn't  _feel_  it. It's like his brain shut down and now nothing is under control. He scratches at his head, his neck, his arms, and his chest. He pulls his hair, his skin. He wants to tear his skin apart, he wants to be free. Why can't he be free? Why was he so broken? He looks up again and points accusingly at the sky. 

" _Why_  don't you help me?!" He shouted. "Why did you make me like _this_?!" Tyler felt like he was crying again. 

Angry.

Sad.

Confused. 

Hopeless.

He felt his knees go weak, making him sit on his knees on the ground. He punched the dirt with all his might but then resorted to punching his own head. Soon he finally felt the pain and he lay down on the ground, feeling the grass against his skin, feeling the dirt underneath him. Suddenly he became aware of the smell of pine trees and wildflowers and petrichor all around him. The black smoke wasn't fogging his vision or his mind anymore. The pain he felt on his head, his arms, his neck, his chest- he could feel it. 

Feeling.

It lasted a good two minutes before he went numb again. But he lay there, on the ground. He didn't want to move at all. His already bruised body was now marked with new scratches deep enough to leave scars. He didn't care, and that's what scared him. He didn't care about being hurt, he didn't care about having a million scars on his body. He just wanted the pain to go away, but then when it did go away he wanted it back. He wanted calm, in his mind, but there was never a single moment of true calm he could recall. 

He feels like  _stripping_  his skin off of his body as if that would  _free_  the tightening in his chest- the feeling of being  _trapped_. He wants to pull his heart out and  _squeeze_  it until it stops beating. He wants to take his bones and  _crush_  them. He wants to take his lungs and hold them, tightening his grip until he can't  _breathe_. He closes his eyes. 

"Please... Please, please, _please_..." Tyler mumbles. "Please save me. If you're really out there, save me." Tyler is crying.

He wants to  _die_ right then and there, it was no lie. He had many attempts before. His mother couldn't look at him because of that. He was a ticking bomb, his whole family knew. His therapist knew. There would be a day when he snapped, and he couldn't help it. He didn't know how to control it. Sometimes he felt like he didn't even want to. But he had to, yet sometimes it was like he stopped holding the restraints and let everything run loose. 

Oh, how he  _wants_. He wants so many things and gosh he knew this but was it really a crime? Was it? Maybe it was. All he ever did was want, and complain about how messed up he is but can you blame him? Why wasn't he normal? Oh  _God,_  why can't he just be happy? The pills… A constant reminder that he is broken, a constant reminder he will never be okay and the doses doubling every four months were driving him insane. Tyler turned his hands into fists and held his eyes tightly closed. He opened them and took the sketchbook to frantically start writing again.  

Trapped. 

Pain.

Freedom.

Need.

Want. 

Wish.

Lost.

Empty. 

Hollow. 

He never felt so empty. Sure, he felt his heart beating, his veins pulsing, his eyes blinking but he still felt empty. Sometimes he felt his stomach grumbling, but he never paid attention to it. He was hungry but with no appetite so why bother? He knew it was wrong, but there wasn't a way to stop it. And you know, it feels good to be in control of  _something._

 _Anything_.

He wants to feel. He wants to go numb at times. He wants to be happy. He wants to be relaxed. He wants to stop worrying. He wants to stop crying. He wants to feel free. To  _be_  free. He wants to stop messing up. He wants to stop being a burden. He wants to stop being  _so fucking stupid_. He wants to be stable, he wants to be in control. He wants to slam his head against the wall. He wants to die. He wants to  _live_. He wants to hurt himself until he can't feel anymore. He wants... 

Oh, how he  _fucking_  wants. 

But he's fine. 

_He's fine._


	11. ||Blond/Brown||

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's kinda short my guys

Tyler was finally back in school, catching up with all his due work, as well as keeping a schedule for his new medication. His sibling, Zack, found him curled up in the middle of the forest, passed out, all scratched over and with his sketchbook in hand. Zack thought something bad had happened and called his mother, who took him to the hospital.

 A concussion, he had caused a concussion on himself. 

They then took him to the therapist, after they read the frantically written words on the page. He spent a few hours in the hospital before he went back home to rest. The new medication made him feel funny sometimes, he wrote it down in case it was important.    

The thing about his mother, that always confused Tyler, was the fact that she seemed to care. Whenever Tyler had attempted to kill himself she cried for hours, she begged for him to never try again and that she was sorry.  _So sorry_. But then anger, almost every single time, took over her. And she would take it out on him, restarting the cycle. Tyler was always so confused. And after the anger dissipated, shame would overcome her. So much shame she'd look at her son and she would not be able to smile. She would barely look at him then... Ashamed. 

Tyler had built the walls around himself again, this time more unstable, apparently. They would crumble and as soon as they'd crumble they'd build themselves up again, not even giving Tyler enough time to shed a tear, leaving him with a knot in his throat and a pain in his eyes he wasn't able to blink away. 

He finally finished the last due assignment, in record time, before looking up again. It was too early for Jenna or Josh to be around the school and Mark was visiting his family, which meant he was all alone. He was putting away his notebook before he heard someone sit down, Tyler assumed it might be Debby so he didn't mind. He found it weird she hadn't started rambling yet. But when he looked up- oh God, he felt his heart stop, his brain fumbling to create at least one coherent thought. 

A short-haired blond with glasses sat in front of him. Tyler remembered him perfectly, his breath quickened and he scrambled to gather his stuff quickly to leave, but the boy stopped him. As soon as he held his shoulders Tyler froze, he looked at him with wide eyes. He frowned, he didn't know what to do- how to respond. 

How do you respond when someone who betrayed you approaches so calmly?

"Tyler please, I'm just here to talk." The blond spoke. 

Tyler stared blankly. It was like his body disconnected from his brain. He wanted to run, he wanted to scream to Jenna that  _he_  was  _back,_  he wanted to get away from him, yet his body remained still. His breathing was being quicker than necessary since the memories were flooding him too quickly. 

"Don’t, don't touch me." Tyler managed to stutter, the boy listened. For the first time, he  _listened_. He let go of his shoulders. 

"Right...” The boy scratched the back of his neck. "I came to say I'm so-"

"Sorry?" Tyler interrupted. He felt anger wash over him. "That doesn't change a  _single thing._ "

"I, I know it doesn't just- please hear me out." The boy pleaded. He seemed genuine.

"I don't want to," Tyler spoke coldly. "How dare you?!" He glared at the boy, who simply looked down. "How  _dare_ you come back here after what you did to me?!"

"I just need to apologize! I need you to forgive me! I have nightmares Tyler!  _Nightmares_."

Tyler scoffed. "And what do you think I have?!" Tyler was pissed at this point, how dare he? “You  _broke_ me." Tyler's voice cracked. "As if I wasn't broken already, you  _destroyed_  what was left of me. How  _dare_  you come back here?!" He walks towards the locker, leaning his back against it.

Josh walked into the school at that moment, and he saw Tyler's face, how scared he looked. How sad he sounded. He gulped and looked at Jenna, who simply stared with wide eyes as she realized who that person was, walking towards Tyler quickly. 

"I know and I'm sorry okay! I'm fucking sorry I did that to you, I'm sorry I made you feel the way I did! I wouldn't have come back to this stupid town if it wasn't for my guilt." The blond looked desperate. 

Tyler choked back a sob. "Why did you do it?"

The boy kept quiet.

Tyler quickly wiped away his tears. "You know what? I don't care Evan. I don't fucking care anymore, just leave.”

Tyler’s watch made a few beeping noises, he had to take his new meds. He took a bottle of pills from inside the locker and popped the cap open. He took some pills in his hand, not bothering to count them, swallowing them with a gulp of water before putting the bottle inside his backpack. He probably took too many pills, but then again, he didn't care.

Evan gulped. "You take pills now?"

"The tenth time they've changed. Now get the fuck out of my sight." Tyler was completely numb now, he didn't know if it was the pills or the fact his anger was so much he was in a state of calm. " _I **hate**  you_." His words filled with poison, they stung. 

"Ty... please," Evan begged. "Let me make this better."

"Don't call me that." He sounded angry, hurt, damaged. "There is no way to make this better."

Evan gulped again, before staring at Tyler. Only then did he realize how much damage he had done. The once bright, wonder-filled eyes of his had dulled. They used to be the color of the bark on trees, a coffee down the road, and the smell of autumn. Now they were just brown. There was more behind the brown and now all that was gone.

The skin around his neck was scarred, jagged lines across and diagonally, his face was bruised as well. Evan sighed and just walked out of school, not daring to look at Jenna who glared at him. He could feel it. Once Evan was out of the school, Tyler fainted.

They were probably too many pills.


	12. ||Memories||

Tyler hated hospitals. This was the third time he was in one, and his mother was losing patience. It was the sixth time he explained.  _No, it wasn't on purpose. Yes, I forgot to count them. No, it wasn't too early. No, I didn't think much of it. Yes, I felt numb. No, I don't remember what I said to Evan. Yes, I'm positive he left. No, I don't want to talk about him. Yes, I know you know what happened, mom_. He was basically repeating the same answers, over and over and over again. 

It got boring after a while, he spent most of the time alone. He started to count the things around him. 60 tiles on the ceiling, 120 tiles on the floor, 15 small green squares on the walls, 4 windows, and 2 double doors, 1 extra bed, 1 TV, 2 bathrooms. He was back home now, lying in bed and staring at his familiar ceiling. 

He falls asleep.

*******

Tyler wakes up the next morning to the smell of white roses and cologne. His vision is too blurry, he's still recovering from the pills incident. He squints his eyes in an attempt to focus, recognizes Jenna, white flowers and someone else in the room. He sees a mop of blond and quickly sits up, freaking out. His breath is quickening, his hands are shaking and he's trying to get away. 

"Get, get out!" He shouts. "I, I  _hate_  you  _why_ are you here?" 

"Tyler, calm down! It's not him!" Jenna speaks.

"Get him  ** _out_**!" Tyler screams.

"Tyler, stop it!" Jenna tries to reach for him, but he pulls away.

Tyler isn't listening and he starts crying and curling up into a ball on his bed. The flashbacks don't stop running across his mind and he claws at his cheeks not realizing he's bleeding until two pairs of hands pull them away from his face. And he cries and cries until his vision comes back to normal, his head pressed against Jenna's chest. He realizes the blond was not Evan, rather Josh who hadn't dyed his hair in quite some time.

"There you go..." Jenna spoke softly, entirely lilac, entirely pink. 

Only then does he realize Jenna is petting his hair and Josh is staring at him with teary eyes. Suddenly Tyler is fourteen again. He's with Evan and they're walking back from an arcade. Evan let Tyler win, but he denies it... Tyler zones out into the memories.

_"Come on!" Tyler says, chuckling. "You totally let me win!"_

_"I did not!" The blond snaps back, his glasses nearly falling from trying to look sassy._

_Evan is older. Two years older than Tyler. That makes Tyler feel special, an older boy was interested in him, and he had only discovered the fact that he was into boys. Something kept nagging in the back of his mind that this was wrong, this was so completely wrong and unnatural but... He felt nice. He felt butterflies swarm through his body and blush rise to his cheeks. It couldn't be that wrong, right?_

_And then it started raining, and Tyler looked at Evan with wide eyes._

_"We have to run," Tyler states, squeaking as Evan picks him up._

_"I'll run then, hold on tightly." Evan chuckles._

_Tyler wraps his arms around the boy's neck, hiding his face so that Evan does not notice the intense shade of pink his cheeks had picked up. Evan started running then, purposefully holding Tyler closer. Tyler laughed when he did this, finally them reaching a coffee shop._

**_The_ ** _coffee shop._

_And then, Evan pulls him close, and Tyler hugs him. Evan seems to be swaying and humming into Tyler's ear. And Tyler? Oh, Tyler... he's so happy, he feels happy. He momentarily forgets what it's like at home, and chooses to relish the moment, to let his whole senses take over and stop paying attention to his mind. And Evan is suddenly spinning him and slow dancing with him to the sound of the rain and Tyler smiles._

_He was so in love._

_God. **So fucking stupid**  and  **so in love**. _

Tyler was crying and mumbling " _so fucking stupid_ " over and over again. Josh tries getting closer and Tyler instinctively pulls away. He's so caught up in memories, he can't seem to process anything and Jesus Christ why had Evan come back? It made everything worse, so much worse. His throat is burning yet he hasn't done anything with it that might hurt it. Four months. Four months were nice... the other eight months were... horrible. 

"Tyler, what happened?" Josh's voice was soft, entirely pink, hues of lilac. 

Worry. 

"What, what happened when?" Tyler still had his whole upper body wrapped in Jenna's embrace. 

"What happened between you and Evan?" Josh spoke.

The named ringed in his ears loudly. He sighed, and Jenna reflexively held him tighter. Tyler, though reluctantly, pulled away from her embrace with a long sigh. He looked down at his hands, the markings of red-hot slashes of where Evan had hurt. The scars in his heart from what he had lived. The feeling of being so unbelievably dirty he couldn't wash it out in the shower, scrubbing at his skin so harshly a dirty red would swirl down the drain. His throat burning from the number of times he had forced himself to puke. Even when he hadn't eaten anything, making acid burn his throat, stain his teeth, hurt his nails. His ribcage protruding from his chest.

"Josh?" Tyler asked. "You, you don't know me at all but please, when I tell you this, I need you to keep calm."

Jenna stood up and got out of the room. She hated hearing the story, she hated being a part of it. She hated she didn't notice sooner, she hated, she hated... oh, how much she hated  _him_. She hated him. She would kill him if she could.

Josh watched as Jenna left, before turning his gaze back to Tyler. "Alright."

Tyler crossed his legs and sighed, trying to gain the courage to speak. Things he only blurted out to his mom, which obviously ended horribly bad, and Jenna. Things he mostly kept to himself. He was scared that if his mouth opened, he wouldn't be able to keep the words in it. 

"You, you see... I, I was fourteen when, when he invited me out. On a date, I had never dated anyone.  I didn't know I was into boys, but I was never into girls. It never crossed my mind, playing basketball was my main goal. But I went along with it because Evan was good looking. And you know, he was older and that made me feel special. I, I knew it was wrong, I knew it was a sin." Tyler rubbed the back of his neck a little. "Everything was fine really, cuddling and hand-holding, chaste kisses and piggyback rides." His heart wrenched at the thoughts.

Josh nodded, Evan didn't seem so bad. 

"But, but then..." Tyler seemed to shake. "He started to get overly jealous. I, I would go out with Jenna and, and afterward, he would take me to his place..." Tyler tried to choke back a sob. "He, he would hit me for it. He, he said so many things, Josh... I, I started to believe them. It got progressively worse with time."

Josh's already pale face seemed to be at least three shades lighter now. "What, what did he do?" He asked, entirely pink, lilac hues again. 

Tyler swallowed thickly, maybe that would help undo the knot in his throat. "At, at first it was just slapping, which I’m, I'm used to. But, but then it was punching, dragging me by the hair, choking me until I passed out, cigarette burns and, and then..." Tyler took a deep breath. "One day, I, I didn't return his calls. My phone had no battery left."

Josh decided to hold Tyler's hands then, realizing the existence of small, almost invisible, scars.

"He made me sit in a bathtub the following day, it had water in it, and I was in my clothes. He, he took my arms and, and with a razor... he, he slashed my skin for  _every_ missed call." Tyler didn't realize he was crying. "Seventy-five calls Josh.  _Seventy-five_."

Tyler felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around him. He didn't know why, but he melted into the embrace. He hid his head in the crook of Josh's neck.

"I'm so sorry..." It was all Josh managed to say.

"It, it didn't stop there..." Tyler sighed. "He would say I was a fuck up, not good enough, stupid... and every time I made him upset, I punished myself by, by forcing myself to vomit," Tyler said with a thread of voice that was kept in his throat.

Josh only hugged him tighter. He could  _feel_  Tyler crumbling. Josh hugged him tightly as if letting go meant Tyler crumbling furthermore. As if letting go meant letting Tyler back to Evan. As if letting go would mean Tyler passing out again. Tyler couldn’t bring himself to tell what went on for the last few months of their relationship. He just couldn’t. He couldn’t bring the words out of his mouth, he hadn’t even told Dr. Blossom.

"I'm not letting him hurt you again," Josh mumbled into his hair. 

And Tyler believed him. He believed him, not because he trusted him, but because Josh sounded genuine, he sounded protective, he sounded honest. Tyler buried his face in the boy's chest, his own chest rising erratically as he sobbed with hiccups in between, making small sounds every time. 

Suddenly he's seven again. His mother is hugging him tightly after the first time she slapped him. She was sorry, genuinely sorry. And he's crying against her chest and he's staining the shirt with his tears but his mother doesn't care. She doesn't care. She keeps apologizing, Tyler keeps nodding. 

Suddenly he's 10 again, crying in the arms of Mark instead. He's crying over someone calling him stupid but he's not stupid and it hurts. It hurts so badly and they threw a rock at his head and he's bleeding but he doesn't care he just buries his head deeper in Mark's neck and Mark sighs softly into his hair. 

And then he's 15 again. He's crying with his head on Jenna's lap and she's holding his head in her hands and she kisses his forehead in an attempt to calm him down but he feels so  _dirty_. He feels so  _unwanted_ , so  _ugly_ , so  _useless_  and oh my  _God_ , so  _stupid_. So goddamn fucking  _stupid_. He just cries and cries and cries. 

And now he's sixteen. He's crying onto Josh's chest and he's staining it with tears and probably some snot but Josh doesn't seem to move. Josh doesn't want to let go until he calms down and something flashes in Tyler’s mind that makes his hands grip on Josh's shirt. Josh pets his hair and keeps telling him how he will not let Evan get close to him, how he will protect him, how he will kill Evan if he ever touches him again. Josh doesn’t know that what Tyler said isn’t the only thing that Evan did.

Soon Tyler tires himself out and ends up falling asleep, Josh stares at him a little. His long, thick eyelashes casting a small shadow on his cheeks, from the light above them. He sighs and lays Tyler on the bed carefully, hoping not to wake him up. He walks out then, his eyes catching Jenna’s, she seems to have fallen asleep at some point, and she seems tired. He helps her up and takes her to her own house, he gets into his, walking straight into his room. 

He lays in bed, and as he does so he pictures Tyler. And his mind can't stop changing from subject to subject, thought to thought, worst case scenario to worst case scenario. He curls up. He wants to help. He wants to be there. He wants to talk. He wants to keep silent. 

He wants, he wants. 

_Everyone fucking wants._


	13. ||Shaking||

"This one is called... Ruby" Tyler says. 

Ruby giggles. "It fits." She speaks softly, entirely lilac. 

Tyler puts his hands on the piano and starts playing, Ruby hums along to the melody. Tyler showed her this bit before. He soon starts singing as well. While he does this, Ruby sways a little to the rhythm. She listens intently to what he’s singing about. She smiles at his voice, she never heard Tyler sing like this.

She liked the lyrics and the song quite a lot until he came to the part where he asks her to apologize to God for him. Why would he want to apologize? She still sways though, until the very end.

"Did, did you like it?" Tyler asks once he's finished.

"Mhm." Ruby smiles, entirely genuine. "What do you want to apologize for, though?"

"Being such a sinner, asking for too many things, wanting too many things, for not having a better relationship with him, for not being the best of his sons, for liking who I like... the list goes on." Tyler sighs.

Ruby sighs back. "Tyler you know he will forgive you, right? He always does, no matter how many times you mess up." 

Tyler blinks. "But the bible-"

"The bible was written by humans, not God. I don't trust that book, but I trust Him."

He gulps. 

"He loves you, okay? And He knows you're struggling, but He works in a way that is sometimes inconvenient for us."

Ruby is a young girl, but she has a great vocabulary. Probably all the books her mother makes her read.

"Okay." He breathes out.

*****

_"Tyler you're not acting like- yourself," Jenna says, sitting next to him._

_"Jenna, I'm fine."_

_"What happened?"_

_"Nothing happened. I'm fine."_

_But he wasn't. Tyler knew this. He had been avoiding her after the events of that night (where nothing happened) he had been acting strange (like totally himself). He had stopped wearing bright colored shirts because that was what he had worn that night, he shaved his head because his hair was long that night, he stopped wearing white shoes because that's what he had worn that night and he stopped drinking Sprite because that was the last drink he had before it happened. As soon as his hair is getting long again he shaves it, he threw away all of the bright colored shirts and gray underwear and white shoes he owns because if he doesn't look at them it never happened, right? They're his memories and if wants to he can make himself forget what ha- what didn't happen._

_Nothing happened, really._

_"Tyler you know you can tell me anything." Jenna tried holding his hand but he made himself lean back so aggressively he fell over the bench._

_He sits on the grass. "I'm **fine**." He sighs._

_"I know what happened I just need you to tell me."_

_"What?"_

_"I know. I just need to hear it so I can help you."_

_Tyler was confused._

_Women... Women know things. Tyler doesn't know how or why, but that was the main reason he had been avoiding her for three months. They know things. They read your mind and they know what you think and why you did certain things._

_"Please? Is that why you've been avoiding me?"_

_He nods. "I'm sorry- it was totally my fault."_

_"Hm?" Jenna asks, genuinely confused._

_"I let him do it. He kissed me and I kissed back but then he started touching and I said no but I guess he didn't listen so I-I froze I didn't want to but he said I am his boyfriend so I have to and I was wanting to scream but my brain wasn't doing anything I just laid there while he... he..." Tyler was crying. It wasn’t the first time Evan did something like that._

_Jenna hugged him tightly, he hugs back but the feeling of Evan's hands around him is still so alive, so, so alive and he shakes. He cries harder._

_"Why didn't you tell me? I'm going to kill him- I'm killing him today,"_

_"No!" Tyler blurts out. "Please, it was my fault."_

_Jenna frowns. "It could never be your fault."_

_"How?"_

_"You said no." Jenna breathes out. “And you resisted from his touch.”_

_"Jenna... I love him. You can’t hurt him!" Tyler says shakily._

_"Tyler, that is not love." Jenna sighs. "Listen to me, love is not like this- it never should be."_

_Tyler doesn't really know what love is. It must be what he's feeling though, you know… the butterflies in your chest and the beating of your heart and you need of that person and the way you can look at them all day... But is fear related to it? Is the fear of your lover part of it? Or is only the fear over losing them the only part fear should play a role in?_

_"I'm sorry." Tyler states._

_"Don’t be. You have nothing to be sorry for."_

_"How do you know?"_

_"I just know. For now, you should get a therapist."_

_"Will I have to tell them?"_

_"Yes. And you'll be better. You'll get better."_

_But he didn't tell. He waited too long to tell Dr. Blossom. And now every time he sees a Sprite he feels his stomach heave. And he only wears hoodies now. And the smell of Evan's cologne makes him dizzy on the spot. And he keeps his hair short- but not too short. And he wears black shoes only maybe some gray ones but no bright colors. Please, no bright colored shirts._

_He sees Evan everywhere and it hurts._

_Jenna makes him break up with Evan three months later, and Tyler cries in her room._

_****_

Tyler is with Dr. Blossom again. He tells her everything. Every single thing he has to say. What happened with his parents, what happened with Ruby, what happened a year ago with Evan (all the parts he didn't mention out of fear) and Dr. Blossom stares blankly at him suddenly being so open, rambling on for 17 minutes until he realizes he's probably sounding stupid, he quiets for a while. 

"And, and now the pills give me weird flashbacks of that time I didn't tell you I tried to numb my feelings with them and I know it's stupid but I can't drink Sprite or wear bright colors, and the fact I’ve been trying to suppress it is killing me- just please help me." Tyler is shaking.

Dr. Blossom nods. "I-I will." She sighs. "What do you want to work on first?"

Tyler thinks about this. He didn't actually know. "Um the... the..." What could he call it? "...Evan?"

She nods again. "Of course, want to start now?"

"Yes."


End file.
